Wear a Mask, and No Kissing

4 mins read


AP featured image
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of Calif. listens to questions during a news conference on Capitol Hill Thursday, April 30, 2020, in Washington. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

 

In Canada, lovin’ just got a little less…loving.

As per the nation’s top doctor, there’s a newfangled way everyone should be having intercourse.

According to lead physician Theresa Tam — in a public statement issued Wednesday — “Sexual health is an important part of our overall health.”

So she wants people to do it, but not the way some may prefer.

And also, in the way some may prefer.

In this epidemic era, you can’t be too careful:

“[S]ex can be complicated in the time of COVID-19, especially for those without an intimate partner in their household or whose sexual partner is at higher risk for COVID-19.”

So for those lookin’ to lock up outside their own four walls, she’s there to direct.

“If you choose to engage in an in-person sexual encounter with someone outside of your household or close contacts bubble, there are some steps you can take to reduce your risk.”

The country’s chief public health officer has some advice that may thrill people in a hurry. You know that whole foreplay thing? Turns out it’s for the birds:

“Current evidence indicates there is a very low likelihood of contracting the novel coronavirus through semen or vaginal fluids. However, even if the people involved do not have symptoms, sexual activity with new partners does increase your risk of getting or passing Covid-19 through close contact, like kissing.”

Therefore, as noted by CNN, “A trusting relationship should first be established and partners should also consider using a mask that covers the nose and mouth, Tam says.”

So ya got that? If you’re out on the prowl and find a mate with whom to…mate, keep it classy — no kissing.

And be responsible — make them cover their face.

Seems about right for 2020. Formerly, wanting someone to wear a bag — and foregoing foreplay — would’ve been an unwelcome move.

But now, you’re the Citizen of the Year.

So go the rules for Canada’s Mounties.

As well as for non-Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

However there is one caveat that may cramp your Cassanova style:

Sex should be avoided if either person has Covid-19 symptoms, the statement says, suggesting “limiting your use of alcohol and other substances so you and your partner(s) are able to make safe decisions.”

Perhaps it’s just as well. For those hooking for a look-up or looking for a hook-up, if you’re already sacking your faces and there’s no pressure to kiss, maybe the alcohol’s not so integral of a component.

2020, you’re a reeeeeal interesting year indeed.

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

Excuse Me While I Woke This Out: HBO Adds a Three-Minute-Plus Disclaimer to ‘Blazing Saddles’

Hilarious: Customer Assaults Mild-Mannered Hotel Clerk Over Having His Temperature Taken, Gets Beaten Like a Drum

A Pop Star Calls Out Cancel Culture’s God Complex: ‘I Am So Grateful God Never Canceled Me’

Find all my RedState work here.

And please follow Alex Parker on Twitter and Facebook.

Thank you for reading! Please sound off in the Comments section below. 





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