Thoughts from the ammo line

8 mins read


Ammo Grrrll continues to assert that IT AIN’T NECESSARILY SO – PART TWO. She writes:

Since it is harmful to our mental health to be constantly marinated in horrific, divisive politics every minute of every day, a few weeks ago, I started a more light-hearted series debunking various things we repeat all the time that “ain’t necessarily so.” We explored “listening to your body” and I asserted that my “body” should only be listened to if it has to go to the bathroom because it is an idiot that mostly wants fat, salt and sugar. Your mileage may vary. Today, the series continues by looking at the conflicting advice on how to approach life.

ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION

So yesterday I was listening to my body assuring me that I needed some sort of food-related anti-depressant. Sadly, the Biscuits and Gravy and both the Peach and Cherry Pies were already gone, somehow. And the Banana Fudge Cake was frozen solid. I decided to listen to my body and simultaneously to “err on the side of caution,” by eating up the quart of Rocky Road Ice Cream because, thank God, I had noticed in time that it had an expiration date of 12/21/20. I didn’t want to take any chances with something as accurate and specific as an expiration date. You can never have too much caution. Or can you?

The advice of the ancients is confusing at best: To “look before you leap” will surely serve you well with an empty swimming pool. It has been attributed to Aesop of fable fame (620-560 BC) and would seem to have stood the test of time! Sadly, Aesop himself did not think through a purported theft of some kind of gold cup and was executed for it. But who among us has not given out better advice to others than we followed ourselves?

Oh, and Wikipedia also credited the saying to a book of proverbs gathered by an Englishman, one John Heywood, as “recently” as 1546. Evidently, Mr. Heywood must have believed that after approximately 2,000 years, surely the saying was in the public domain and the heirs of Mr. Aesop would not have a claim of plagiaristic copyright infringement. So that’s one take on how to run your life.

On the other hand, taking decisive action rather than proceeding with caution was encouraged by Cato the Younger in 1713: “He who hesitates is lost.” I am unaware of how Cato of Late, Late Middle Age, or Cato the Geezer felt about the controversy.

Now if you prefer to take slightly more modern advice from The Eagles – and who doesn’t trust a rock band’s ability to help you navigate the rocky shoals of Life? — then you must decide whether to “Take It To the Limit” or just “Take It Easy.”

LESS IS MORE

No, it isn’t. It really isn’t. This was a giant fraud perpetrated by our corporate overlords. At some point I noticed that CANDY BARS had shrunk to about half their size! In some cases, it was even worse than that. Remember the Nut Goodie? When I was a kid, the Nut Goodie was the size of a dinner plate. It was also so sweet that it made your teeth ache. You could not finish a whole Nut Goodie, no matter what kind of pig, swine, brood sow you were. Then one day, the Nut Goodies came not one, but, TWO to a package, but the two little round candy bars were about the size of an old-timey stripper’s pasties. Back in the quaint old days when getting totally nekkid in public was not allowed. Back when people still had imagination.

I once took my all-male family which included 3 teenagers out to eat at Champps, a sports-themed restaurant famous for gigantic portions. I ordered Spaghetti and Meatballs and the plate they put in front of me could have fed the entire table, teenagers and all. Unexpectedly, Champps went out of business.

But, soon, the tonier restaurants produced teeny tiny plates of things that could be consumed in a couple of bites, and I’m not talking about tapas here, but entrees! To compensate for the striking lack of quantity, the items were stacked in such a way that made them almost too pretty to eat. To make up for the small portions, the fancy restaurants made the prices bigger.

“THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 100 Degrees F AND 120. HOT IS HOT.”

Okay. First of all, that is something that is said by people who have never gone outside in Arizona in August and also do not understand Math. Ask yourself: “Is there a difference between a pleasant 70 degrees and a toasty 90 degrees?” Then ask yourself why that would not also hold true for the difference between 100 and 120? One is HOT and the latter is VERY VERY VERY HOT. At 120 degrees, even the Weather Service of Arizona, which is not easily impressed, sends out a “Heat Advisory” on your phone. I will close with a song parody I composed after I went into my garage the day before garbage pickup and promptly passed out. One has to take one’s inspiration where one finds it:

The Arizona Carol
(Sung to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire)

Garbage roasting in a closed garage,
Wretched smells all up your nose
Usually by August we’d get outa Dodge
But we’re locked down with the endless Wuhan Woes.

Never never touch the steering wheel
When your car is baking in the heat
And if you wear those new short shorts you’ll squeal
When prying tortured thighs off of the seat.

We know that Winter’s on its way
So bring your golf clubs and your guns and come and play
The weather’s so much better than back home,
And it won’t get hot again til almost May.

And so, I’m offering this simple phrase
To Blue State hostages who dare
Look around, there’s no doubt, that it’s time to get out
But leave your stupid politics back there.



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